there i was, coffee in hand this morning, scrolling across HBO max programs, when i see on the top 10 list "Sister Wives." it. is. BACK. i've got six new episodes to binge watch. i started a new embroidery project and i'm finally understanding these instructions and stitching...new adhd hobby conquered maybe?

i've been having a creative block when it comes to songwriting. i think a lot of it is how harshly i'm critiquing myself now, how i'm trying to one-up myself and write better. choose better producers to work with. choose better beats. every time i google "how to get over creative block" i get the same advice from reddit over and over again: "don't force it. leave and go do other things. let the inspiration come to you." but i wanna sing! i wanna songwrite! i want to focus more on my vocal abilities and get better at recording and mixing them.

i'm trying to really relish in the present moment. i know one day soon i'll be onto cookin' babies in my body, with priorities shifting and less time to blog. to game. to vibe alone. it'll be beautiful! but i need to remember and love the now so that i can really enjoy what i have THEN, too.

i guess that's it. i felt called to blog. babe and i are going to disneyland soon!! i can't wait for my package of disney items/disney ears to come to i can start packing and planning lol! i'm going to eat my heart out. last time i went to disney i was poor, very depressed and working there in property tax lol. this time is different. i am finally alive, and having my hersband by my side i've been able to have so many fun experiences and really LIVE.

hope all is well babes

<3

janet

traumatized girl with abusive family grows up in a small world. watches Matilda, relates, and finds a few Miss Honeys to help her as she grows up. she can barely afford life when she eventually leaves at 16 (cue Work by Iggy Azalea). all she wants is to sing, to dance, but she knows she's going to have to be smart and plan life out so she never has to go back to the big, dark, scary stormcloud of a world she grew up in. that small, sad little world.

she goes to college. has to drop out because of money. ends up with nowhere to go for a while, and calls herself a nomad when she cries tears of desperate pain to herself at night. goes to three different schools to get her degree in a subject she knows will carry her financially through life. takes out loans, works as a nanny, and eventually gets hired in big corporate offices by the time she's 20. she tries to fit her real original dream into the mix, and finds it fading along with her sense of self.

traumatized girl finds life begins to weigh on her, and needs financial help, so she allows the villain back into her life, to start oozing its tainted spirit under her skin and into her soul. they smiled, and pretended change was possible for just a phone call, and she bites the bait. finds out the offer was not a real offer, and there's no financial help from them to be found without extreme consequence. she starts self-deprecating, finding joy with her abusers in the fact that she's a low-life, a loser. the things she loves? they do not matter, and she's sick in the brain. meant to be fixed. not with therapy, but lifelong medicine. shut her up shut her up shut her up.

she wakes up, realizes this is wrong and she went backwards. she went backwards and has lost every sense of who she is. so she decides to fulfill her plan, to find a castle to run away to, and never return. to build her own true family and empire. they mock her and say she will never make it on her own.

so she does. she finds a castle. she pulls herself out of the rubble one more time.

she spends years healing. eventually cutting off their supply and ability to use her as a gym punching bag. she dates people just like them. they abuse her. they cheat on her.

she grows older. she commits to changing her dating behaviors. she wants to find her other half. someone the opposite of what she knows. the opposite of the big dark stormcloud.

one day, healed-girl meets her knight. they fall in love. healed-girl still battles with her healing journey and works hard to keep her castle afloat. but finally gets to be herself. years go on, and she gets married to her knight in shining armor, starting their new family officially.

she finally feels like she's learning who she is. she finally feels whole. she feels good, knowing there is no one judging her and beating her up for who she is anymore. she wants to have kids, and love them the way she never felt as a child. a life she never imagined...marriage and kids, comes true, and she pinches herself every day over it. keeps a gratitude journal and writes in it every morning and night. her knight allows her to be her creative self, to fulfill her dreams. she wakes up every morning to make sure there's food and caffeine and a lunch packed for her family. she feeds the animals. she cleans most days, with the exception of the ones she is making art (in an effort to one day, hopefully, make even a little money off of it). she is finally understanding what happiness is. "i feel like i started life at 25 years old" she says. no more "i'm so sad i'm just a nomad in life, with no family or support."

through her journey, she starts to realize something about a few of the people she's collected as 'friends.' they seemed to be more supportive of her when she was in the worst times of her life. when she was suffering. they wanted her to commiserate with. start to pick apart everything she says. make her feel bad for the very thing they've said they wanted before. isn't what anyone wants a knight to come and rescue them? to water their flowers with their coffee or tea in hand every morning in the yard they always wished for? to have the freedom and ability to get your body ready physically to grow a human being, and then grow a human being, and raise them without you running off to a job you hate? to have the mental stability and true love/a symbiotic relationship to teach and be an example to your future babies?

she lived a quarter of her life in what felt like a "waste." was in a spiral of extreme sadness, panic attacks, anxiety. and through actual hard work, people who finally loved her and saw her, was able to grow and heal. and now that she's healed...life feels a little lonelier some days. because there are moments she looks around and the evil eye lingers. suddenly, she's a loner and a loser again, to these 'friends.' they see what she has, and instead of celebrating the fact that it exists in the world, they let it overtake them like covid, like a virus that sticks with you for weeks. a bad tiktok song you can't get out of your head. they start to make her feel low and bad for the life she lives. she has friends from her journey that don't act this way, but they live so far away that she doesn't interact with them the same way. she starts to feel small in her own beautiful city, in a sea of millions of people.

what happens then? when you have no control over the way people react to your blessings? are you even allowed to complain? why is it that the worst moments of our life, people want so badly to hear about them all the livelong day, but the second it ACTUALLY turns around for you, they can't help but let the green monster ooze out?

for me, (i'm traumatized/healed-girl...obvi), i'll never let me get stamped down like that again. it is so easy for me to spiral, to forget who i am, because of the way people react to me and make me feel. i've learned to call the behavior out, to cut those people out or give it a LOT of distance, because honestly? it's not the way they "make me feel" but really the way iiiiiiiiiiii allow others to make me feel. it's me, i'm the issue here when it comes to my own brain.

i finally have this dreamy, beautiful life i've always dreamed of. and if that makes a few people mad? so be it. what you think of me is none of my business! i certainly do not like everyone i meet, so it's okay that i'm someone you don't like. i can't wait to teach this to my kids, too. to not give a fuck about someone's opinion of you. to act honestly, honorably, calmly, and presently. to love others, but mostly love yourself and hold boundaries. to smile and find beauty in the small things.

i could have ended up with anything. my own castle was enough for me. finding a knight was a plus, and now i've found myself completely shifting from the person i once was in the sense that i never imagined a marriage, or babies. and now i do. i feel it in my bones, like it's this beautiful new journey i get to go on. i guess the new sadness in life will come in the form of this first world problem of not knowing who to trust with your happiness/joys/accomplishments. cutting these people off has become fewer and further between, anyway, thankfully. i've met a lot of beautiful people along the way who've always got my back, and are a phone call away, even though we don't live close anymore (a downside to my nomadic history).

so what happens now? i break the cycle of my ancestors. instead of anger, i understand, but i also don't because i was taught envy is the WORST emotion possible. as if it were worse than death lol! but i understand enough. enough to distance myself or cut the worst ones out. to focus on the present.

healed girl drinks her coffee, watches an episode of Girls on HBO, looks at the three dogs around her (she wasn't allowed to have dogs growing up), and smiles. she texts her spouse "I love you more!" and all is well with the world.

there's only sunshine here. ​☀️