I started this draft of a blog about two years ago, when I had released my EP "Black Sheep" and its title single "Trophy.' It's dated "7-24-2020" so although it says today's date, that was it's OG date. ;) Since Black Sheep I've released a ton of new music. I have a total of about 22 songs commercially distributed, and I'm determined to just. Keep. Going. I want to be able to look back at this one day, and then be able to genuinely tell other women/people/Persian girls "look!! i did it!! you can too!!" My next single comes out April 15, 2022. It's called "Forgot Who I Was"and honestly, when I went to write a new blog, it was going to be centered around THAT. Then, I saw the draft. The one I've been avoiding. And realized that this next song comes full circle from Black Sheep. Growing up, I was bullied. I wanted nothing more than to be the cool kids from Empire Records, from Rugrats All Grown Up (go head LAUGH lol); I remember my parents had a software on their computer with a CD template for images you could print. I made a CD cover, printed it, cut it out, used a gluestick to put it on a CD-ROM. I made and cut out album artwork to put into a jewel case. I don't have these mementos anymore because I was afraid of getting caught, and my parents never gave a crap about music shit. Never enough to listen to the music I was writing even as a kid. :( But I remember. I made up a band called "One Way" based off a street sign and the fact that it was a ONE WOMAN BAND (I was 8, lol)...and here I am. I ended up working for a record store. Got promoted to manager which was not something I went in there looking for; it became my identity. I became a mentor for more people than I already was in my other realms from life, and I opened myself up to those people more than anyone I had ever met. More than UCSB, SMC...more than CSUN. I felt the most like myself for a small while there. Some of the people were really genuine. When you don't have a family, and a lotta other people don't, you all kind of cling onto each other. It's false, and temporary, and beware of those "family" workplaces lol. Never make it your identity, bby. Fast forward it didn't work out, =capitalism among so many other things that I am quite frankly exhausted talking about. But I was cool in my mind for a small while :) it's lost its glamour since of course, but for my lil life, it served its purpose. But I lived that. I taught dance. I could still teach dance if I wanted to. I model in my own right, I do photography...I have my life set up exactly how I want. Why do I feel the way I do 99% of the time? I can dance. I can sing. I am....on top of the world. In college, I auditioned for their all female acapella group. I honestly never thought it would go anywhere. Then I got an email callback. Then I GOT A SOPRANO PART?! I remember landing my first solo....a girl on the retreat (whose grandpa was in Bread...will never forget her telling me that!! lol) tells me "I didn't get my first solo until sophomore year. Wow. An entire song," and another girl tells me "yeah you are so lucky. good job," suuuuuuuper sarcastically.
But I didn't care. I sang Anna Nalick's "Breathe" with pure joy. I did my Hanson solo. I sang my soprano parts, happy to be different than the other freshman on my hall. That I'm not friends with anymore. Because they were partying while I was studying notes. I was biking at night to Isla Vista Theater battling my panic attack. :( I was so separate and distant from the other people without meaning to be. I was just mixed in with upperclassmen AND freshman...trying to figure out life in Cali with no family...it was so hard. :( But on stage. Claps. Cheers. It honestly, thinking back, is equivalent to being crossfaded. Like I am right now writing this LOL. High off mj, with a slight buzz....people cheering for my voice. It's been the only thing my entire life people have really validated about me that doesn't serve them in any way. Other than being sonically pleasing <3 hahahah. Singing and performing for others is the high I'll never find anything equatable to. I need that high. I miss that high. I've chased it since. It's just gotten worse since, but I really have faith that one day....I'll reach the reach I always wished for. Black Sheep was just the beginning. It will always be my baby, and is still my only larger project out of everything I have released. I love her so much; and Trophy is still my favorite. Black Sheep is more than some girl you used to know releasing music. It's the beginning of my confidence to share my own art. Mixing. Mastering. Because I'm not a nepotism child, I don't have money or connections. It's me. It's the beginning of me saying "i think i have a fucking chance." Anyway. This blog was for me. It's all for me. <3
1 Comment
10/13/2022 11:16:29 pm
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AuthorI'm a lesbian Iranian singer/songwriter/dancer on a mission to build a life I don't ever want to escape. Archives
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